This isn’t really about any of the stuff in the title. The title of this blog post is what is the outcome of my every day to try and pay bills. That’s what I’ve been trying very hard to do. I’m not very good at that part of my life because I’m a horrible employee. I don’t mean I don’t show up for work, or I’m late, or I don’t give the job my all. I’m just not very committed. (I had six different jobs in 2016, and five or six in 2017.)
I realize in my life I’m not very committed in just about everything I do.
It’s about to become another year. I spent last year struggling with so many things. The year before… amazingly, I did the same thing – struggled. I’m figuring out that I live my life in the same destructive pattern.
I’ve considered changing. I really need to change to make life better for me and my kids. I’m pretty destructive. I can be very self-destructive in relationships, friendships, and family.
I stared at myself in the mirror.
I mean, I really, really stared.
(Wow, I have a lot of wrinkles.)
I realized I don’t look the same. I don’t mean the natural occurrence of aging. I mean, when I look in my eyes I don’t see the same soul. My soul looks very worn out. It looks very lost. I looked very empty.
Everyone I love has noticed that my soul looks very dull. I used to be a bright light. I remember when my soul was a bright light. It actually used to be so bright that I could feel the light shining painfully from behind my smile. I know that might sound weird.
Of course, sometimes someone who is completely happy on the outside, could be crumbling horribly on the inside. I think, I might have been crumbling slowly on the inside.
I’ve lost my way somewhere, and I’m not sure I can find it again. I need to. It’s detrimental that I find it if I want to live the next half of my life well.
I hope in sharing about losing a soul you all will stop and take a long look in the mirror and figure out if your soul is healthy or not.
We feed our soul every day with every thought and word. We feed our soul in how we treat others and how we treat ourselves. We feed our soul in every little thing we put inside and every little bit we give out.
We, as we age, need to feed our soul with an open mind and looking at the bigger picture. We need to read and keep growing. We need to let things go and move on. We need to laugh, and love, and smile. We need to stand outside and actually take in the air, inhale it through the nostrils, deep and into our lungs. We need to look at how truly beautiful everything is around us. We need to watch how birds, squirrels, wildlife lives. We need to listen to children and how they speak without worrying over decorum. We need to watch the solitude as it passes.
I realized my soul has been kind of sickly. I placed things that didn’t matter in my soul. Our mind is our soul. What we place in our thoughts effects our soul the most.
And so, I hope as this year changes over I finally change into the person I know I can be. That healthy soul that is a blessing and brightness to those around, so that they too can be brighter.
That’s my new year resolution, I suppose. I never have new year resolutions, and so that is one thing I will do different.
I resolve to feed my soul with those things which will make it healthy.
I hope you all the best 2018! Be blessed and be bright!