I have been writing music again. (I write lots of notes.)
(My music is in two folders and this one is a mess.)
I was writing some books for awhile. (I won’t show you those lying on a bed.) And then, I starting writing songs. And then… I started writing more chapters and rearranging a novel I wrote (two actually) that I didn’t like and they needed a lot of revision. But then… I started recording and writing this song. I really enjoyed playing my guitar and writing music.
What I’m saying is: I don’t know sometimes if I’m a songwriter or a novelist. I go back and forth, and because I never stay on one thing for very long it makes for lots of bouncing around.
I am probably bi-polar or something like that. I know it happens. I watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and realize I do show certain manic tendencies.
But, enough of that.
So, I was writing music again. And, I found some songs I recorded and never placed on SoundCloud. I wrote this song that I really liked, and then I wrote another that brings back ‘not so pleasant’ memories because I wrote it for someone.
However – and that is a big HOWEVER – I played the song and re-recorded it and I felt very free. It didn’t effect me the way it did when I first wrote it. It’s merely a pretty good song that I wrote. I’m glad it was inspired to be written.
I suppose I am past the past?
Maybe I’m just talking rapidly and going on with how free and over I am of this person because I’m really not over this person and I’m really not free, and I’m just having a manic episode.
Anyhoo, as I was earlier writing I’m just unsure. I’m unsure about a lot of things these days.
I realized why. Why I feel so manic and unsure and on edge.
I’m a creative person living in a very non-creative world. I am trapped in a 40 hour a week job world. I’m a free spirit who is trapped in the confines of a world where you have to do the same thing every day.
Creative people feel trapped quite often. It’s because to live and make a decent living you have to work over time and have two jobs and keep working. When you have responsibilities that’s what you have to do. People depend on you doing your job.
And so, creative people – us writers, and musicians and artists feel always unsure, on edge, on the precipice of breaking.
It’s difficult being creative and having to make a living via non-creative endeavors. I still work with content writing, but it pays very little for the time you put into it. And, you are still writing for the most part about things you have no interest in writing about.
My son told me something very nice the other day. I felt like I couldn’t write anything from the content writing site. Like, I just forgot how to write. And he told me, “It’s not that you are a bad writer, it’s that you just don’t write that sort of stuff. You are a good writer of what you enjoy writing.”
Someone asked me to write poetry the other day. I can’t just write. I can’t just put on my writing cap and write. I need inspiration. I need a muse. I need to “feel” something to write well. If I remove the feelings then writing becomes the same as that 40-hour-a-week job. It’s something I do to make a paycheck, but it’s not something of “me.”
Writing is very much a part of my soul. This is, I think, how us creative types work. We are inspired and thus create.
I think that’s why I’ve felt so on edge. I can’t afford to do what I love all the time.
It’s okay. I know I’m just rambling and complaining and it doesn’t help.
I just wonder if there are others out there who feel this way. I am sure there are. You feel just a bit trapped. You feel like some days you’ll just break. You feel like that little hamster on a wheel just spinning round and round, and you’re going nowhere.
It’s okay. Some days take a breath, maybe go outside, and then be inspired and do what you love when you do have the time. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m sitting at my computer and creating a little music and writing a bit on my blog, and possibly re-arranging some more of those chapters.
Enjoy your day. It’s going to be okay. 😉