Telemarketers

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I was called once again (happens about every other day) by this same political group.  There are several bills coming up, I guess?  Something about equality and human rights and such.  I know I should care, but I’ve become very detached when it comes to politics.  I prefer helping more humanitarian and animal rights causes.  I would also prefer giving to individuals who need money more than a group; especially, a political group.  And so…

This conversation could have been verbatim that went on much too long a few days ago.  I’ll call the telemarketer guy Billy (BB) and I will be Me (ME).

BB: “Hi”

ME: “Hi, I have no money, goodbye.”

BB: “I’m sure time’s are tough but this is a good cause”

ME: “I have no money.”

BB: “I’m sure you would still like to support our cause.”

ME: “I can give you supportive words: Good job.  Keep up the good work.  Have a nice day.”

BB: “That’s nice. (completely ignoring what I said.)  We are doing all kinds of great things but these things don’t happen without you.”

ME: “You’ve existed over a decade without me.”

BB: “But this is an important time.”

ME: “More important than that other time?”

BB: “What time?”

ME: “Historically speaking, politics are a constant and a constant changing force.  One person makes no difference.  It’s a dilemma we all have to face.  You have called me consistently for the last few years because I once bought a somewhat practical hat with a very complimentary color blue for $15 when I was disillusioned by our political candidates.  I am no longer disillusioned.  I am apathetic. I have settled into a nonplussed acceptance of the status quo, and realization the world is absurd.”

BB: “Yes, I understand.  So, if you give a gift of 50 or even 15 it would help us fight this cause and we’ll even send you a new hat.”

[I pause to consider needing a new hat.]

ME: “I am sorry but I am very poor.”

BB: “That’s okay, we still want your money.”

ME: “I am sure you do but I have no money.  You can’t squeeze a dried-out diaper.”

BB: “That’s okay.  Diapers are super absorbent these days.”

ME: “Okay, now I’m just getting grossed out… and I still have no money.”

BB: “I understand.  If you give a gift of 25 today we will not only send you this beautiful pink hat but also a button?”

ME: “A button, well why didn’t you lead with that?”

BB: “Its a really nice button.”

ME: “I am kidding.  I don’t want a 25-dollar button, nor do I want a hat.  I don’t want a mitten or shirt or a cat.  Maybe a coffee-maker… I’d take a nice carafe.”

BB: “We don’t have carafes.”

ME: “And I don’t have money.  Thank you for your call.”

BB: “I’m sorry.  I know you must be busy.”

[I am wondering why he didn’t lead with this line.]

ME: “I’ve just spent five minutes talking gibberish with you.  So, I am obviously not that busy.  I am an old lonely lady and you called me at an incredibly timely moment in my life.”

[I have completely stunned him into silence.]

BB: “Thank you, have a nice day, ma’am.”

ME: “So soon?  I was about to tell you about my knee problems.”

BB: “Good bye.”

ME: “By the way, could you maybe help with 15, 25 or even 50 for bills this month.  You don’t have to worry about the carafe.”

…..

…..

…..

ME: “Hello?”

 

It was at this point I realized he finally hung up.  I know you are wondering why I didn’t hang up sooner.  Well, I did after awhile.  Quite a bit of the conversation was ad-lib for creative license. 😀  I am usually very polite to telemarketers because I know this is merely a job for them.  If it was me, I’d love it if someone just made stuff up, livened up what would probably be a very mundane work day.

So remember, next time a telemarketer calls play along.  It will make their day go faster in a very boring job.

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Good day and good searching!

 

 

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